Welcome to My Awesome Blog

Me in 9th Grade

My name’s Scotty Johnson but my friends call me Scotty “The Body”. The ironical thing is that my body is not “all that” but when I was like ten years old I got really tall and beefy all at once. By sixth grade I was hitting six foot two inches. I looked like some kind of flesh colored tree. So as a joke my friends called me “The Body”, because I had so much of it, and it just kind of stuck.

When you suddenly gain like a foot over three months you kind of have to start over with a new wardrobe. I was constantly shopping with my mom for anything that would fit. But because I kept growing my mom refused to pay decent money for clothes that I would just out grown in a couple of months. Instead she’d take me to the freak stores like Big and Tall and just buy all the closeout stuff.

Since I was actually on the short end of the Big and Tall stuff, but super huge for an elementary school kid, my size was always available on the sale racks.

Color and style didn’t matter. Fit and price were everything. So I’d go to school dressed like I was a fucking 45 year old shoe salesman. Fortunately, I was so big I could easily beat the shit out of anyone, so I didn’t get teased a whole lot.

I finally stopped growing at around 21 years old and topped out at six foot ten.

But this growth had a huge effect on my outlooking as a human being . Everything was about how big or how tall it was. Everything I bought was bought for size and durability. Color, style, shape, and appropriateness didn’t mean shit. It just had to fit or not break when I used it.

So when I decided to become a blogger I just had to pick The Absolute Longest Web Domain Name in the Whole God Damn Fucking Universe! To do otherwise would an absolute betrayal of my ginormous self.

Some people say my domain name is too long to remember and even harder to type. Like impossibly hard. Well boo-hoo and go fuck yourself.

Try finding cool clothes when you’re pushing six-five and still in eighth grade. To this day I still dress like I’m 45, color blind and working as middle management at tech company – and I’m only 26! It’s permanently warped my sense of style forever. But it’s also lit a fire under my ass. I’m big and I’m proud and this blog is dedicated to the appreciation of bigatude and longifying. I’m kicking it off with a killer domain name that is longer than yours will ever be because domain names can’t grow longer after you register them. Totally impossible. So you have to make them that way from the beginning. And I bet good money you didn’t!

What I’m Into

  • Long music. Stairway to Heaven and Freebird are cool, but monotonous dance shit that goes on for like twenty minutes is better.
  • Long food. Those crazy curly Chinese string beans are good. So is spaghetti.
  • Big tits. Like, duh!
  • Long tits. Same thing as big tits except you don’t notice the length until a chick’s bent over.
  • Long showers.
  • Giant Pixie Sticks but only for the straw. I dump out the candy because it hurts the roof of my mouth.
chinese-string-beans

Chinese string beans kick ass. Add with spaghetti and you got a really long meal.