Best Numbers to Choose for Your Top Whatever Lists

You can’t just use any number for your top whatever list. Your readers are counting on you to pick a reasonable number that makes sense. Below are the only possible choices allowed for your top list and why only three of them really matter.

Top 1

Never us us this, it makes no fucking sense.

Top 2

Don’t use this either. Two items is a pair, not a list. You need at least three for a list.

Top 3

Good choice, the first number you can authentically call a list and you won’t have to write so much.

Top 4

Retarded. Never, ever use this.

Top 5

Decent. It’s half of ten and we have five fingers on each hand. So five feels right.

Top 6

Dumb. Like we’re supposed to believe that everything on your list is so fucking important that you couldn’t possibly drop one to make it an even five?

Top 7

Indulgent.

Top 8

Not as bad as seven

Top 9

Weak. Total cop out. If you can think of nine, you can think of one more and make it an even ten.

Top 10

Best ever but kind of hard to fill. The Holy Grail of lists makers. Really impressive if done right.

Top 3 Reasons Why Top 10 Lists Kick Ass

Everyone loves list, so to make your blog posts really popular always organize them into some sort of important list. Digg users really like numbered lists so if you want to impress them for some reason then put your shit in a list format. Now everyone knows Digg is stupid and the people who use it are even stupider, which is hard because Digg doesn’t even have a brain because it’s just a bunch of code on a platter spinning in circles, but making a list will make them pee their pants and squeal. And then jerk off on their keyboard.

Lists also make you sound like an expert because only knowledgeable people order things and rank them. So if you want to sound extra smart then makes lists.

The Bill of Rights is a like one of the most famous lists and I think everyone agrees it’s pretty good and useful. The Ten Commandments is also a famous list although the information is not so helpful. And that’s just not because it’s old. I’m sure the ancient Greekelites and Egyptonians we’re equally unimpressed with it’s long list of mostly “Duh!’ statements.  It would have been totally awesome if God would had put like “wash your hands with soap before treating wounds or eating so you don’t fucking spread germs and shit” as the first commandment. Scratch that, that would be the second commandment. The first would explain germ theory otherwise they would be really confused by the hand washing thing. That alone would have changed the world. Wash your hands dudes!

Anyways, here’s my authoritative and definitive top three reasons on why you should make top ten lists.

1. People Like Lists

It’s how are brains work. We love to rank and divide. We don’t like areas of gray. It’s hot or cold, up or down, black or white, Republican or Democrat, conservative or liberal, big tits or little tits, rich or poor, happy or angry, night or day, blah, blah, blah. No one wants to hear about the even tempered olive skinned middle class chick with the medium tits who likes moderate temperatures and votes Independent because she’s a centrist. Hell no! We want the poor angry black chick with huge tits who likes snow and tornadoes and votes Democrat because she’s a bleeding heart liberal who hates rich people because she’s jealous and bitter! So give the people what they want – a simple list of strong statements that they can get pissed about because it’s not exactly what they would put on their list if they were to spend like five seconds to actually make one themselves.

2. It Makes You Sound Like You Know What You’re Talking About

Just the fact that I organized this into a top three list make me sound more authoritative than a bunch of paragraphs that drone on and on. This is undeniably true because:

1. Lists look impressive.

2. Most important information is organized in a list.

3. Lists allow you to make bold statements without backing them up with facts or reason.

3. They are Easy to Read and Understand

People don’t want to spend all this time trying to figure out what you’re trying to say – especially if the subject is complicated and full of sciency stuff that takes some effort to understand. They just want to find out what your point is so they can then tell you how wrong you are.  A list makes this very easy.

So that’s it. I had one more but all good lists are either Top 3, Top 5, or Top 10, so I dropped it.

Use Images of Hot Chicks to Make Your Blog Posts More Better!

Every one likes looking at hot chicks. Straight men like it. Straight Chicks like it. Lesbians like it. Gay men like it. It’s the one thing everyone in the world can agree on. That’s why they are used in advertising and to decorate just about anything from boxing matches, to car shows, and from shopping malls to bars – except there they call them waitresses.

Hot chicks make the world more pleasant and relaxing. They take the edge off harsh shit and add spice to boring shit.

Here’s a good example. Which version of this totally depressing article would you like to read?

This one…

Horrible things are happening in Iraq and there is nothing you can do about it.

A run of coordinated attacks that spanned the length of the country killed at least 56 people today in assaults aimed at Iraqi army and police forces, one day after the U.S. announced that its combat troops had fallen below 50,000.

Or this one…

Ashley, or Cindy or whomever, takes a break from the action to enjoy the unseasonably mild temperatures in Iraq at one of the best Green Zone resorts. I think we'd all like to visit her "Green Zone" anytime!

A run of coordinated attacks that spanned the length of the country killed at least 56 people today in assaults aimed at Iraqi army and police forces, one day after the U.S. announced that its combat troops had fallen below 50,000.

There’s no contest. The first photo is fucking depressing! What a downer. The second is relaxing and totally makes you feel better. So which post do you think is going to get bookmarked? Bingo, the hot chick every time unless you’re one of those lame news geeks who want lot of real stuff even if it makes you want to blow your brains out because you feel so hopeless because you keep exposing your brain to shit you can’t do anything about anyway.

So if you’re writing about stuff that is boring or depressing or maybe your blog is not that good to begin with, then inject some hot chick action in that post to make it totally more betterer!

File Under: If You Want to People to Read Your Blog Add Photos of Hot Chicks – Expert Tips and Tricks for Using Images in Your Blog Posts – Why Images Make Blogs More Awesome – Spice Up Your Blog With Even Spicier Images – The Most Important Rule for Using Images in Your Blog Posts

Cut and Paste Rules! Killer Shortcuts for Writing Blog Posts About Shit You Don’t Know

I love to write killer blog posts for my awesome blog but sometimes I just don’t have the time or even know what the fuck I’m talking about. But why should time restraints and ignorance about the subject matter keep me from doing what I totally get off on, and was meant to do, which is write in my kick-ass blog? Don’t bother trying to answer that as I was just thinking out loud and I’m going to answers my own question anyway – like right now.

The answer is it shouldn’t. Blogging is my right and that totally trumps all other concerns and issues. That’s why it’s called a right and not like a preference or something.

So what do I do when I’m  just itchin’ to kick out another post for my awesomely named blog and I don’t know jack about the subject? I cut and paste that shit!

My iPhone post is a good example. I don’t know shit about the iPhone as I got a Droid HTC Incredible. I got the Incredible because I like to be able to swap out a spare battery for trips or to get like a bigger one without having to void my warranty or drive to a store and have an employee do it for me like I’m a three year old. I also like to be able to swap out data with an external SD card, have multiple apps open simultaneously, and download whatever apps I want – you know, crazy technical shit like that.

So I don’t own an iPhone, don’t want to, and don’t care, but I know they are super popular so I want to make a blog post about it so I can get some killer traffic from the search engines or from Digg or Technorati or whatever and then have people click on my affiliate banners and Adwords links and make a few bucks off their pointless search for information about some retard product.

But like I said I don’t know dick about the IPhone so I gotta take some short cuts. The process it simple:

  1. Google the subject you want to write about
  2. Copy the best sentences from other peoples blogs
  3. Paste them into you own blog

Did I just blow your fucking mind or what?

I know what you are thinking – why didn’t anyone else think of doing this before? That I don’t know but it’s so awesomely simple. I’m officially calling this secret the The Absolute Longest Web Domain Name in the Whole God Damn Fucking Universe Info Extraction Method™. Be sure to always refer to it like that or I’ll fucking cut and paste your ass!

Now some of you might be saying that this is like stealing. Well it’s not. Stealing is just taking something while I’m taking a bunch of things and then putting them all together in a new way that is also like a billion times better than the original. Rappers do this all the time. They take lame songs like Kashmir, Super Freak, and Under Pressure and then put a big fat beat on top and then put like totally new words on top of that. It’s those two additional layers of killer stuff that make these songs great and new and more better. How could that be stealing?

So here’s my totally killer blog post about the new G4 iPhone using my The Absolute Longest Web Domain Name in the Whole God Damn Fucking Universe Info Extraction Method™.

10 Reasons Not to Buy Apple’s New iPhone

Apple’s launch of the iPhone 4 has seen the greatest excitement for a new phone ever – and with HD video recording, a super high-res screen and ridiculously slim dimensions, it’s not hard to see why.

It’s expensive: Buy the top-of-the-range Blackberry or Android handset and you will still pay a lot less than the extortionate prices Apple charge. This phone is wicked fast — and I say that with a fast HTC EVO phone sitting in my pocket. The EVO uses Sprint’s 4G network, while the iPhone runs on AT&T’s 3G network. Use the iPhone as a phone and it’s not got great reception, nor is it particularly comfortable to use for long periods.

But that didn’t hold the Apple device back at all.

Two microphones! And with HD video recording, a super high-res screen and ridiculously slim dimensions, it’s not hard to see why. Yes, this baby finally has the noise-canceling power of the Nexus One phone thanks to dual microphones. Don’t get me wrong, the FaceTime feature is beautifully conceived — it lets you make face-to-face video calls with just a single click, after all.

Tried instant messaging on an iPhone? Oh yes, you have to open the app to see if you’ve got a message. Genius. If Apple announces multitasking next it will be an improvement – but there’ll be no apology for the way it’s treated customers in the past, and no guarantee it won’t behave similarly shoddily in the future.

Apple’s launch of the iPhone 4 has seen the greatest excitement for a new phone ever – one is the traditional curved back and plastic exterior with slightly chunky dimensions; in is a chassis that’s only 9.3mm thin at its thickest point and a new stainless steel and glass industrial design.

The iPhone 4 will also sport what Jobs described as a “retina display” with four times the pixel density of a typical LCD display at a whopping 326 pixels per inch—This claim holds up – not only did we feel the need to drop the phone onto the floor a few times to test, someone nameless of the TechRadar team also knocked it out (an admittedly low level) window onto concrete – and not a scratch.

However, Apple is pushing the video editing envelope with a new iMovie application for iPhone, that enables users to assemble and trim clips and record directly into an iMovie timeline. I like that it’s available in White.

File This Under: Cut and Paste Blogging Tips – Tricks for Writing Awesome Blog Posts – Save Time By Using Content from Other BlogsPlagiarism and Blogging Myths – Plagiarizing Content is Easy and Fun – How to Steal Content…But It’s Not Stealing if You Make it More Better.

The Absolute Longest Web Domain Name in the Whole God Damn Fucking Universe

Why Long Blog Post Titles Totally Kick Ass Over Really Short or Somewhat Short Ones – How To Make a Really Long Post Title in Three Easy Steps

Long domains are just better – we all know that – but long post titles are just as important. Your blog is only as strong as its weakest link and short titles are weak and so that’s where it will break the easiest because it’s not strong and therefore the bulk of the torque we be transferred to this weakest part. That’s probably more science stuff than you can absorb at the moment but that’s how it works.

The most awesomest thing is that having a nice long post title is completely in your control by following my three simple and irrefutable laws of long title generation.

1. Explain Everything Completely and Thoroughly Without Leaving Anything Out

Don’t count on someone understanding what you said the first time. Repeat it often and always within the same sentence because repetition of the same idea within a phrase creates sentences that are full of repetition, thus making them longer, which makes it better than shorter sentences with a singular expression of a lone idea.

2. Synonyms Are Your Friends, Comrades, Amigos and All Around Great Buddies

Everyone wants lots of friends. Synonyms, and words that are different but mean the same thing, are your friends and comrades so use them habitually, frequently, often, and always in the same sentence or phrase.

3. Add Lots of Extra Phrases That Ad Nothing to The Content But Sound Profound and Important

You could just say “It’s cold outside” but how fucking boring is that? A much better title or phrase is “The fact of the matter is that it is most definitely cold outside”. The first version has an anemic three words. How pathetic! The new version has a totally impressive thirteen words. That’s an increase of over 400%!  Let me spell that out for clarity – four hundred percent. That’s not a typo or a mistake. This is the  type of longitude (i.e. longifying) that one could expect by using these techniques.

Other totally killer phrases that help beef up the length of your titles include:

  • In this day and age…
  • It is often said…
  • After all is said and done…
  • Needless to say…
  • Not withstanding the fact that…
  • At the end of the day…
  • Jane you ignorant slut…(ask your parents)

So that’s it. That’s the magic for longer titles. Now don’t be a puss and go forth and multiply!

Why Cuss Words Make Domain Names Better and More Awesome

Why Cuss Words Make Domain Names Better and More Awesome

August 17, 2010  |  Why My Domain Name is Awesome  |  2 Comments

I’ve already established that my domain name is better because it’s longer. Longer is better. But it also has some cuss words which makes it extra good.

Don’t believe me? Look closely. Notice the words “fucking” and “god damn”? Well those are like totally bad-ass words. God damn not so much, but fucking most definitely. You wouldn’t say “pass the fucking potatoes” at Thanksgiving. No way Jose!

Cuss words show that I’m edgy. I’m an edgy guy, so my having cuss words was a must. And I got two of them, which is100% better than one, and 200% better than none. Or maybe a 1000% better. Could be infinity percent better. I’m not so sure on the last calculation, so don’t quote me. But for sure two cuss words is waaay better than zero, which is what most domain names have, and that’s why mine is exponentially better.

Just think how much better most domain names could be with some cuss words.

Google-Fuck-Yeah.com is way cooler than just Google.com which is like a totally lame sciency word.

FaceBook would be so much more awesome if it were FuckFaceBook.com. Not Fuck (pause) FaceBook, but FuckFace (pause) Book. The first version is insulting to the name of the company which is unacceptable. You should only be praising your company. Never be criticizing. Self criticism is a sign of namby-pambyism. The second one is awesome though because it’s insulting to the user which it always acceptable. Fuck users!

Why is MySpace loosing popularity? I believe it’s because it’s not called MyFuckingSpace. Now that’s a name with some authority! Hey dude, check me out on MyFUCKINGSpace!

Just think how much more awesome the internet would be with some attitude!

  • Microfuckingsoft – Formerly the lame Microsoft. I mean, come on now! Using both soft and micro in the same name. How loosery! Might as well throw pussy in their as well!
  • YahooBitch! – No need to explain why this version rocks!
  • CraigsMotherFuckingList – Way better than the wimpy version. Yo, you down with CraigsMotherFuckingList or what? Yeah, just post that dinette set on CraigsMotherFuckingList and sell that shit today mo-fo! See, something like that. You could probably use a lot of hand gestures too, like on the words dinette and sell, just to put a little bit more emphasis on the important parts.

If these companies had the balls and foresight to include some profanity in their names they would be assured dominance in the marketplace because cuss word are fucking bad-ass and putting them in your name is a sure sign of your bad-ass-ness. And people love bad-asses and look up to them.

So get a domain with some cuss words and tell world Don’t Fuck With Us Because We’re Bad-ass!®

Oh yeah!

File This Shit Under: Including Curse Words and Profanity in Your Domain Name – Domain Names with Swear Words Are Fucking Better! – Marketing Domain Names With Swear Words

Don’t Be a Domain Name Wimp – Be Proud of Your Long Name!

Some people just don’t get how awesomely good a long domain is. This pathetic wussy-wuss claims her domain name is just too long to remember . How perfectly lame is that excuse? It’s not too long – in fact it may be too short – like twenty two characters too short. The maximum number of characters you can have in your domain is sixty-three. Now that’s a little short for my taste but whatever. Hers clocks in at a very conservative forty-one. Too long my ass! Not only is it kind of short compared to what she could have got, it’s actually quite easy to remember. What a whiner!

My Domain Name Kicks Ass

August 3, 2010  |  Why My Domain Name is Awesome  |  No Comments

Why? Because it’s longer than yours (most likely) and the longest allowed by law (sixty-three glorious characters). And that makes it better. Longer is better. A domain name that was only sixty-two characters would also be good, but not as good as mine. Like one less good. And that’s makes mine one more better.